Today as I enter the third day with only the echo of my constant companion - everywhere I look I am reminded of her - she was a constant in my life, in my space, in my heart.
The grief is overwhelming, the pain and loss of looking for her where she would normally sit and watch me and our daily routine leaves me gasping for air, feeling that this deep dark pit of sadness will never pass.
I feel so strongly since the love was so unique so individual to me that I am alone in this. Everyone has kind sympathetic words, but the profundity of the FEELING is not lessened by anything - except, I hope, time.
I cannot function, I cannot think, I feel I need to stay active, current, present but it's all I can do to muster myself to walk, to eat and sleep - that's illusive at best.
The one thing I keep myself present for is a sign, a sign from her that she is around me, no longer by my side, but here nonetheless - that she hasn't left me alone. She hasn't shown me anything yet. My husband says the sign was that she chose to pass in her sleep in her bed next to me, not hide in a closet, under the bed, but next to me.
Ironically with the business I decided to invest in I find myself examining this process more closely, which is more painful, but I hope to learn from this so I can be of better service to others as they go through this. I have always wanted Peternity.com to be more than a place that merchandizes death but a place that offers solutions and help for those going through this process - and I realize that perhaps most important is a place to share, to speak of my feelings, to hear from others who are active in this process. I think together, creating a community, we can help one another go through this consuming, awful process and that is what's important to me. That you can eventually buy a beautiful handcrafted urn is wonderful, but it's this process, this bridge we must cross where I need to help fill the gap....that irreversable place we all end up when we have loved and lost our beloved companions, the ultimate loss of unconditional love that hurts beyond measure.
Today I searched for "coping with grief" and found this:
- Allow yourself to experience the pain of loss. As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. ...
- Talk with others. ...
- Find creative outlets. ...
- Engage in physical activity. ...
- Give yourself a break from grieving. ...
- Maintain a routine. ...
- Forgive yourself. ...
- Be patient.
So as I travel this road, take this journey I will do my best to follow this road map and perhaps most of all be patient
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