It's been almost a week since Wookie left me. I know what is left of her physically is returning to me this week - another milestone I look forward to with dread, a pit in my stomach and a little nausea. To "welcome" her home in this way bears such sadness, such loss - but then again those are emotions I've become friends with this past week.
I can feel them coming now, physically, I feel my stomach beginning to knot, the slight sensation of nausea and then HELLO old friend - that tidal wave of thoughts and emotions washes over and drowns me. It's not selective in it's time of place - it's not when I'm in bed at night, it's not when I'm home alone - it's when I'm driving the car, selecting items at the supermarket, having coffee with a friend. After it's left it leaves me feeling like I've been thrown up on the shore, choking and gasping for breath - and I get to wait for it to arrive again.
In the morning I often wake up and lie in bed for a moment and "poke the bear", see if i can stir it around and take the emotional temperature of how today will be...but it's just not willing to be stirred or poked, prompted at my urging - instead it likes to creep around and pounce unexpectedly.
I frankly cannot bear this - I feel so exhuasted, drained and tired. I have had moments where I wanted to die it's been so overwhelming. I want it to pass, I want to remember the great memories, the adventures we had - but I have realized I have to respect this and just let it happen - because clearly there is no controlling anything for me.
I wait for a sign from her. I wait to see her in my dreams, but then again I haven't been sleeping well...so not many dreams. I NEED a sign from her. Today, making the bed, I realized that this was her last day on earth with me a week ago and I started the "survivors remorse" game. Why didn't I go get her from her bed and spend more time with her...I spent all day doing tax paperwork and checked in on her only occasionally.
Today I need to remind myself to be kind to myself, stop fighting this and wanting to feel "normal" again. To get back in to the routines that will make me start to feel "normal" again. I just have a new normal and that's the reality.