Pet Memorial Peternity Blog

Pet Memorials . Pet Loss Support . Pet Love

Peternity is a pet loss community for the grieving pet owner. We're here to help you memorialize your pet, find emotional support and look forward with hope to healing.

Nothing Gold Can Stay: Death as a Part of Life

By Eve Pearce

I’ll never forget the first time I encountered the subject of death in a positive light; it was during my freshman year at University when, one lazy afternoon, I sat in on a class that intrigued me because of its name: Death and Dying. I took my seat with curiosity and watched as the lecturer placed a film in the VCR: it touched on the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, taking neophytes through her famous Stages of Grief and presenting interviews with terminally ill patients. Some patients were despondent, feeling like their impending demise was no less than one last, final blow delivered by Destiny. Others presented a rare calm; one patient said that for him, death was just part of the journey of life. As a kid just out of highschool, that idea frightened and fascinated me and that class remained in my memory as one of the most important moments in my university education. It remains fresh and inspiring in my mind’s eye, despite the fact that it took place some 20 years ago.

Just last month, while surfing on the Internet, I came an essay that would mark me just as strongly; written by Dr. Thomas Attig, PhD, it was entitled Meanings of Death Seen Through the Lens of Grieving. Attig spoke of ‘disenfranchised grief’, the kind we experience when those around us refuse to allow us to grieve as we need to for a painful loss. Grief is disenfranchised in a number of typical circumstance, including:

• When we were in a non-traditional relationship with the person who has passed away (a homosexual or extra-marital relationship, for instance).
• When society deems our loss ‘too small’: this often occurs when we lose a pet.
• When the person grieving is a child or is mentally challenged (or an elderly person).
• When the cause of death is rare (for instance, suicide).

Dr. Attig identified disenfranchised grief as no less than “a societal failure” involving “serious neglect and abuse”. It disrespects the person grieving, and, more importantly, it deprives them from finding meaning through death. Grief allows us to gain a deep understanding of death, human existence, life and even love. Yet people often attempt to wrestle our right to grieve in a number of ways: when a pet dies, they may tell us to “get over it”, mock our loss because it is just too ‘insignificant’ or fail to understand our struggle to find a positive, meaningful outcome.

These ideas often come to my head; they do so daily, in fact, always in connection with my dog, Lily. Lily turned seven on March 26, and we celebrated her birthday with her favourite meal and plenty of hugs. But she gets lots of hugs and kisses daily, anyway. Although I have a husband and child and wonderful friends in my life, deep down, I know that when it comes to loss, the one I will most logically encounter the soonest, is that of my dog. She is alive yet I grieve her loss every day, little by little, and to me, just like the Kubler Ross patient, that can only be a positive thing. I celebrate her importance to me daily: we go for walks to her favourite spot (by the sea), we spend most waking moments together (I’m lucky enough to work in a pet-friendly office, where Lily is welcome) and we even snuggle together at night (I made it a point to invest in a great steam cleaner when she was a pup; our nightly cuddles are something I cannot bring myself to forego, despite my long-suffering husband’s complaints about ‘hygiene’).

I feel like by keeping present in my mind that her life (and mine) are “but walking shadows”, we are able to live every day as if it were our last together. By not shying from the subject of death, I also avoid “brushing the future under a carpet”, as if my pet will never fall ill. For the first time in Lily’s life, I actually started researching into pet policies and possible long-term conditions that could require special care or treatment. Lily is my family; in exactly the same way that I attempt to save for my child’s future education or for contingencies like braces, or extra-curricular activities, I do the same for Lily, because if she ever develops an illness that requires long-term care or even expensive medication, there is no way on earth that she isn’t going to have it. Not only am I financially preparing for the inevitable, I also plan to have a talk with Lily’s vet, to discuss preventive measures I can take to keep her in tip-top shape (e.g. teeth cleaning, blood tests, etc.). As she gets older, I also find myself more and more intrigued by alternative therapies like essential oil massages for age-related conditions like arthritis.

I am prepared for even cherished friends to perhaps not be there in the way I need on the day that Lily passes. By saying goodbye to her little by little every day, I hope that I am slowly building the courage to face what comes with my own heart and soul. Some people don’t understand the extent to which an animal can heal, fulfil, and complete us. Rather than change society, it is best to start from within; nobody can take away what we refuse to give and when the time comes, I know I will grieve as I need to; and I will find positive meaning from the most beautiful thing Lily can leave behind – her legacy.

Pet Poetry by George Elliot

"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." ~ George Elliot

Pet Loss Poetry "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver

I find such comfort in these words and hope that you will too.

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

In love & respect for all creatures,

Colleen

Healing Poetry from William Blake

Man was made for joy and woe and when this we rightly know, through the world we safely go. Joy and woe are woven fine, a clothing for the soul divine. Under every grief and pine runs a joy with silken twine. ~ William Blake

In love & respect for all creatures,

Colleen

Helpful Words for the Confusing Stages of Grief

In talking over the years with many grieving pet owners in the early stages of grief, one of the most common questions throughout these conversations is "how do I come to accept the horrific reality of what 'is', and move forward in my life without being stopped and controlled by the "pit-of-the-stomach" pain that is relentlessly there?"

There are no clear-cut answers, but as we each share pieces of our journeys through the maze of grief, we help each other forward to feeling like we're living again.This blog entry speaks to this in a very positive way.

Grief. A Complicated Word!

In love & respect for all creatures,

Colleen

Beautiful & Soothing Words for Mourning the Loss of a Loved One

Having been surrounded for the last couple of months by my own losses as well as many friends losing loved ones, I share these profound words of comfort.

They are soothing and enlightening for the loss of any being close to your heart  - human or animal.

Letter to a Person in Mourning

In love & respect for all creatures,

Colleen

Blessing of the Animals at Brea UCC

A couple of weeks ago the church we attend, Brea Congregational UCC, did a Blessing of the Animals for Creation Season. It was really amazing and remarkable, and lots of fun! We celebrated the animals in our lives as well as the ones who are no longer with us. Enjoy the video!

In love & respect for all creatures,

Colleen

Pet Loss: Words of Healing by Claire Chew

In our mourning, to allow the heart to sink into darkness, to walk in and out of grief, to send light and love ahead, if that is all we can do to feel tonight, that is enough. ~ Claire Chew

Beautiful, healing words from a beautiful, healing woman. Thank you Claire. Contact Claire directly for help in healing from loss of a loved one.

In love & respect for all creatures,

Colleen

Peternity reviews "Katie Up and Down the Hall" by Glenn Plaskin

Have you ever read a book that just stays with you? For days, weeks, months? I'm still savoring the warm, cozy and touching story of Katie, the privileged Cocker Spaniel of celebrity interviewer, Glenn Plaskin. "Katie Up and Down the Hall" is a delightful and moving story of a sweet puppy whose love and spunk magically pull together a family of strangers.

Set in Battery Park City near the financial district in Manhattan, this engaging story tells the tale of how Katie and her charm open up hearts, create lifelong friendships and create family ties in the last places you might expect them.

I really enjoyed the idyllic world that Glenn creates through imagery of this little city of its own, Battery Park that exists within the much larger cityscape of Manhattan. From the descriptions of the views of the New York Harbor and the Statue of Liberty, to the vast myriad of vessels floating by his living room window on the 3rd floor with the Hudson river view, to the daily parade of every breed of dog being walked down the boardwalk and frolicking in the grass, to the busy lives of the 9,000 Battery Park City residents attending block parties, picnics and indulging in all sorts of outdoor sports and activities. It almost gave me the feeling of an opening scene of an idealistic, happy film from the 50’s. But the gratifying thing about this story is the challenging life realities that are set against this idealistic backdrop.

The Health Benefits of Having Pets in Your Family

According to the American Pet Products Association 2010 Industry Statistics and Trends, there are many health benefits to pet ownership. I believe that this list is just the beginning of a very long list. What other health benefits have you found from having pets in your family?

• Pets Help to Lower Blood Pressure A recent study at the State University of New York at Buffalo found that people with hypertension who adopted a cat or dog had lower blood pressure readings in stressful situations than did those who did not own a pet. (Dr. Karen Allen, State University of New York at Buffalo)
• Pets Help to Reduce Stress Walking with a pet helps to sooth nerves and offers instant relaxation. Studies conducted worldwide have shown that the impact of a stressful situation is lesser on pet owners, especially males, than on those who do not own a pet. (Josephine M. Wills, Waltham Centre for Pet Nutrition, United Kingdom)
• Pets Help to Prevent Heart Disease Because pets provide people with faithful companionship, research shows they may also provide their owners with greater psychological stability, thus a measure of protection from heart disease. (National Institute of Health Technology Assessment Workshop: Health Benefits of Pets)
• Pets Help to Lower Health Care Costs People with pets actually make fewer doctor visits, especially for non-serious medical conditions. (National Institute of Health Technology Assessment Workshop: Health Benefits of Pets)
• Pets Help to Fight Depression Pets help fight depression and loneliness, promoting an interest in life. When seniors face adversity or trauma, affection from pets takes on great meaning. Their bonding behavior can foster a sense of security. (Between Pets and People: The Importance of Animal Companionship)

In love & respect for all creatures,

Colleen